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SUPERSTAR CHRIST & MY KIDS
We all know how impressionable children are, so we must exercise discretion in what we expose them to and the environments we put them in. However, like most parents, my wife and I are prone to falling on the wrong side of good judgment on occasion. Particularly the time that we allowed our then four and three year olds to watch a videotape of the movie/musical "Jesus Christ Superstar." This was a turning point in our kids lives because while most children their age would eat a bucket of Play-doe just to meet Steve of "Blues Clues" fame, my kids were more intrigued by such characters as Judas, the tattletale, or Pontius Pilate, the bad policeman. Now don't even get me started on the Hebrew priests Annas & Caiaphas, as I am ill prepared to argue with my youngest Brandon, as to whether the Jews killed Jesus.
Between the videotape, which has since been upgraded to a DVD and the audio cassette copy of the music that has permanent residence in the tape player of our family minivan, these kids must have seen & heard this show some 93 times. Did I also mention we have a video playback system in this vehicle turned entertainment center with a muffler? Naturally then, this has become a bit of an obsession with my boys. While most kids their age are humming the playground tunes of "Ring Around the Rosie," "Mary Had a Little Lamb" and such, my kids count musically to the number thirty-nine. That's the amount of times that Pilate whips Jesus, previous to his crucifixion, put to a catchy musical number. Sometimes for visual effect they will crack one of my leather belts, much like a locker room towel-snapping incident, for stage like theatrics. And if you can even imagine that such an event as the crucifixion could have been scored and choreographed, you must begin to wonder when Andrew Lloyd Webber will bring "9/11 the Musical" to Broadway! I know I just won't be able to wait for the evacuation scene sung in harmony.
Meanwhile, whilst the bride and I were toiling away in our weed choked vegetable garden recently, Cameron my now five and a half year old, began a construction project. You know how kids love to play with tools just like their Dads, so I let him "play" with a smallish hammer and I gave him a few nails, I also gave him a quickie reminder on how not to smash your fingers, but I more or less left him alone. Thus the aforementioned poor judgment. He asked for two of the six foot wooden tomato stakes that we were no longer in need of, as these stakes were primarily now being used to hold up the wild kudzu that has taken root in our hideous example of a garden. Perhaps in retrospect it wasn't the best example of good parenting leaving a five and four year old alone with a hammer, nails and two garden stakes, but them damned weeds! On several occasions I was being beckoned by my son Cameron for some nailing assistance, and like a typical parent I gave him the "be right there" response which basically means "you're on your own kid 'till every last dandelion and clover is yanked outta this planting bed." Well, the two boys managed fairly well on their own until I was requested to attach the "foot and hand holders" to their craft in the making. After postponing the inevitable for so long, I knew it was finally time to go assist my kids on this "Bob The Builder" type project. But Bob would have nearly pissed his overalls when he saw what my kids had built. Yep, their very own crucifix...perfectly sized for hanging a child their age! The foot and hand holders, as they had put it, were basically the nails that permeated the extremities of the fallen King of the Jews, except they wanted me to use screws for extra security. There was also a requested foot plate so that one could feasibly stand on the cross, while simultaneously extending ones arms across the top wooden stake. Out of guilt of neglect, I actually finished their cute little after school project with them, but I strenuously objected to their wanting to erect the cross in the backyard. I suddenly felt like a Klansman at the beginning of a torch lighting ceremony. My wife, however, did not seem to mind the planting of the crucifix as much as I did. So there it stood next to the old maple tree for a couple of days until we had sorta forgotten about it. But we were sorta reminded about it when my Jewish parents had come over for a visit two days later to their shock and amazement. And no, they weren't amazed by my kid's carpentry skills! Just as I was trying to delicately explain the situation to my non-gentile Mom, Cameron had come running over and asked his grandma to help him break twigs he collected from the woods into teeny tiny pieces. Naturally, my curious Mother asked why they had to be broken into small little pieces. His response was "I am making a crown of thorns, and these will be the prickers for Jesus' hat."
You really can't make this stuff up. Kids will surprise you at every turn. Now, if you'll excuse me I have to run now. My wife and I have a meeting with Cameron's kindergarten principal and school counselor. Seems they weren't to fond of the way Cameron handled himself during his last show and tell. Did I also mention that my kids were big fans of "Oh Calcutta!?" They didn't mind the Broadway show-tune style of song and dance that he performed, but next time they would prefer that he keeps his clothes on!