My Mole

Most recently I had to have a mole removed. Now most people wouldn't consider cost an issue in such a circumstance, but when I was informed of a $500 price tag for this procedure, I balked. It seems like too much money to spend on such a pesky nuisance such as this, especially since these funds could be used in a more efficient manner...such as alcohol consumption. Alas, I planned on saving the half a grand and to remove the mole myself. I mean how hard can it be if I was properly prepared? True, I had been suffering for two years with this problem, but it seems that this was a surface issue and the mole couldn't really be that deep. But it was!

First I needed to obtain the proper tools, so naturally I went to the Home Depot. I had to pick up those vibrating underground stakes, and of course several bags of Grubex. Confused? Perhaps I failed to explain that the mole removal that I'm talking about is really troublesome under my lawn, not my epidermis. I'm talking "Caddyshack" here folks. Not a birthmark turned carcinogen or a sub-par reality TV game show. I'm talking a real problem that's figuratively gotten under my skin for the past two summers.

The tunnels that this varmint digs are so tremendous that when I, er, my wife would mow the lawn, the lawnmower would come to a dead stop upon hitting a mound. Clogged with loosened grassed and chunks of terra-ferma mole-hole. Soon my backyard looked like a toy train set whose tracks were assembled by my 3 year old...all over the place in no logical order. Zigzagging & crisscrossing tunnels of doom. If you stepped on one accidentally you could twist your ankle as you sink six inches into my ravaged sod. The mole had to go! But the exterminator wanted to trap the rodent at a cost of 500 smakeroos. At this cost I had to try it myself.

I heard that the moles feed on grubs which frankly is another misery that lives under your lawn. They're like larvae that eats the grass roots and thus turns your backyard into a look most resembling that of a fenced-in abandoned lot of razed apartment building in Newark. Well, a mixed blessing occurs...you've gut grubs living under your grass but to a mole its like an underground Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory as he keeps eating until he's the size of the gal who ate the blueberry gobstopper. The Grubex kills the grubs and such as that the moles food source. Then the mole gets hungry and moves to your neighbors' house. Problem solved. Except that it isn't, because after several applications of this highly poisonous concoction over a few months, I may have rid myself of grubs but apparently my mole had access to a 24/7 underground diner to continue feeding himself on termite eggs...sunnyside up...and home-flies. Failure.

The underground mole stake is such that the vibrations emitted from this foot long steely shaft that you bury will make the mole go insane. It's a bizarre product that must have been fashioned as a byproduct of a Star Wars porn flick parody starring R2D2 and various other robots. The equivalent of the "nails on the chalkboard" sound to a mole continuously sounds. Then he does what you wished for months ago...moved to your neighbors house. Yet again, failure.

So now I've tried two methods of mole removal unsuccessfully and I feel like I'm being hosed, yet not willing to part with $500 worth of Grey Goose, Chianti and tequila. ALAS. That's it...hosed! I'll flood the bastard out of his home with my garden hose! So I shove the hose into one of his newly created tunnels thinking that I'll hold it in it's position for five minutes whilst the water flows. Well, let me tell you that the hose went in deeper than anything I had seen in that robot porno flick and the water pumped full-tilt-boogie for an hour and a half! Afterwards I had noticed a retaining wall in my front yard leaking. In Westchester County, based on the property size of this critter's home, I'm certain that I could have fetched 250 grand! He must have had 2000 square feet of underground lair! So now I suspect that this mole must be on his way to my neighbors house, bringing with him a flowing sub-terraineous spring. Failure again.

I am approaching my wits end and becoming accustomed to the idea of getting drunk less often this summer as I'll be $500 bucks poorer (which make me want to get drunk even more). But what else can I do? I've searched the Internet for solutions and found the best way to remove moles from your backyard was either to hire a professional at an average cost of 500 greenbacks or take your hunting rifle and "go shootin' in them there hollows" late at night while they're actively digging. No surprise that I got that last tidbit of advice from The University of West Virginia Agricultural Department web site. I would, although, have to avoid late night gunplay. After all, I'm trying to be a good neighbor!

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