Cracker Barrel

For anyone who has spent anytime on the road, particularly driving from one crappie Midwestern town to the next, you have undoubtedly had the opportunity to dine in a Cracker Barrel Restaurant. That big brown and yellow logo, dangling 700 feet in the air, as to be spotted form the interstate at eighteen miles away, could be a very welcome sign when you're traveling from Paducah, Kentucky to Evansville, Indiana. It's not that the food is so exceptional, but at least you'll be certain to survive the meal when traveling to unknown lands. If it's a choice between the Cracker Barrel's chicken fried steak or the local truck stop's version of possum croquets, you know where the smart choice is to be eating. Perhaps it's not the greatest eats, and the lack of alcoholic beverages is a drag, but who can really criticize the gourmet differences in broiled catfish dinners?

I love the fact that the Cracker Barrel's vegetable of the day is always macaroni and cheese! I think that they consider the bacon bits they throw into the batch as the vegetable part. As a matter of course you'll always find meat products in their veggies anyway, so vegetarians beware. I've never had a bowl of turnip greens without the obligatory chicklet sized pieces of ham hock making its final resting place in that nest of boiled leaves. The pinto beans always include, what I presume to be breakfast meat leftovers from that morning, and the potato casserole is a melange of starch and protein shavings cleverly camouflaged by mounds of cheddar cheese. But despite their shortcomings in the kitchen, and the fact that every homosexual and African American political group has sued them over discriminatory hiring practices, I still love and support them. Frankly I don't know any gay guy that knows a lick about fried pork chops. And my black waitresses have always acted with great southern hospitality upon my dining visits. However the Cracker Barrel's policy of greeting Caucasian men with "Mister, may I fetch you some vittles?" is a bit over the top, yet sets the mood for enjoying a civilized southern home cooked meal nonetheless.

The big bonus is that they allow you to keep the menu as a keepsake if you care to do so. This way you can read and mock the breakfast specialties as you continue your 362 mile journey in your Ford Taurus wagon. Stefan, my soundman, calls the Cracker Barrel "the best breakfast on the interstate" and who can dispute that fact? Just peruse the "Uncle Hershel's Breakfast" summary. It begins by suggesting that you "loosen your pants belt" as you're about to plow through four different breakfast meats, two buttermilk pancakes, biscuits and gravy, three eggs any style, (get this...egg substitute available for the diet conscious folk), toast, potato casserole, coffee, juice, two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree. When you finally finish that doozie of a morning meal, and you're still in the need for more snacks, you can always load up on Goo Goo Clusters, sarsaparilla drops and pecan logs in the novelty store section of the restaurant. I occasionally get carried away in there and have caused myself some unnecessary misery when I bought a double rocking chair at the Altoona Pennsylvania location while on a shoot. It's no party driving the Suburban at 70 MPH with wicker furniture bungeed to the roof rack. Of course I was so full and disgusted by my breakfast, I decided to put the rocking chair in the back seat and simply strap my fat ass to the roof instead!

If you are a Cracker Barrel aficionado as I am, you must pick up one of their complimentary roadway maps. It's a map of the continental US with all the Cracker Barrel locations dotted off for your dining/commuting convenience. Better then entertaining yourself with traveling games such as "guess how many Cracker Barrels there are in the state of Tennessee," (there are 38), there are factoids to ponder in the most recent edition. For your convenience, and so you won't in the near future be subject to eating a platter of chicken & dumplin's with fried apples, I have reprinted them here without permission for your reading pleasure...

1. When Heinz ketchup leaves the bottle, it's moving at 23 miles per hour.
2. Michigan is the only state where you can drive due south and end up in Canada.
3. There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
4. Americans drive on parkways and park on driveways.
5. A fat chance and a slim chance, somehow, are the same thing.
6. When people are driving and looking up an address or at a map, why do they turn down the radio?
7. Why is abbreviation such a long word?
8. Fairview is the most common town name in the USA. (Midway is second. Oak Grove is third).
9. Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
10. What's another name for "thesaurus"?

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