I just don’t get certain things in life. One of the stupidest jobs imaginable (that outside of our business) is that of the bathroom attendant. Other than being a tip collector, what usefulness does this position serve? Certainly I've never had any difficulty in turning on the hand dryer. Actually I'm quite proficient...I've even learned how to use the emergency feed on the paper towel dispenser while dripping spots on my trousers! So why is this person in the restroom, other than to make me feel self conscious - watching me whilst I'm tinkling...OR OTHER!

Problem is that I don't always have the right tipping change when I go into the men's room at the catering hall or restaurant (a restaurant which is obviously trying to make up for the lackluster food by adding "classy" accouterments in the john). Post urination I'm always quite embarrassed to find 17 cents in my pocket and nothing smaller than a $10 bill in my wallet. Lord knows that I'd feel to cheap to put such small change into his silver tray, but if I'm going to deposit a ten-spot, he'd better be tapping off the last few drops for me!

But in lieu of drying my member, what else does the can-man have to offer for ten bucks? I definitely don't need a spray of Consort For Men Hairspray...that look went out with VO5 and Brylcreem for goodness sakes! I'm unlikely to splash on an offering of Hi-Karate, Old Spice, Aqua Velva, Canoe or whatever other cheap spritz they bought from Duane Reade! I'm generally unlikely to take a stick of Doublemint or the dreaded Brachs Star Mints as I'm certain that the stuffed capon should be arriving the moment I return to my table.

So why are these people's jobs to stay in the bathroom all evening long? Are they former toll takers that have been replaced by EZ Pass? Perhaps he's been punished by his Mom for misbehavior and forced to be locked in the toilet like I was when I was a kid? Maybe it's just a great paying job? Figure the house is paying $3.75 an hour, plus tips -- you'd probably clear $37.50 an evening -- mostly in cash! Or perhaps the time spent alone in the water closet gives him ample time to study for his post-office employment exam. (Now you know why these guys always come in shooting--they just can't tolerate being shit on, or near, any longer!) Is this just a remnant of FDR's New Deal from the 1930s, just to keep people employed rather than live in a cardboard box? (Albeit a cardboard box smells less than a public restroom.)

I'm on a mission to flush out these "lords of the loo." But how to dispose of these excretion examinors? I know! Offer him a job as a television critic! You gotta figure what he sees nightly isn't much different from what we view on Prime-time TV and we can all agree...he knows his crap.

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