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Automobile Names
written by Ken Fuhr & edited by Donna Cornachio
Certainly a lot of research and development goes into creating a name for a new car these days. Or at least you would assume so. I would have liked to have been a member of the focus group back in the 1970s when American Motors Corporation, (you may remember them as AMC) delivered to us one of the most crappiest of automobiles...the AMC Gremlin.
AMC spokesperson to focus group: "What image does the word gremlin conjure up in your mind?
Focus group spokesperson: Er, a small fiendish troll that will live in your engine block and wreak havoc with you auto's motor which will cause frequent breakdowns and aggravation.
AMC Reply: Perfect! That's exactly the type of car we've built here. We were going to use the name Shitbox, but you've convinced us....Gremlin is the way to go. Thanks!
When I'm driving into Manhattan, sitting bumper to bumper, it gives me the opportunity to examine my fellow traffic mate's vehicles. My mind wanders reading the chrome emblazoned nameplates attached to the rear by the taillights of why the automaker came up with the name that they chose. For instance, there is a new vehicle made by Buick that they call the Rendezvous. The auto itself looks like a hybrid between a military assault vehicle and a giant gooey-duct clam. They must have settled on the name due to exhaustive market research on what an individual over sixty thinks about when they hear French words while perusing the auto mall. (We know that nobody under retirement age would be caught dead driving a Buick!) Apparently, the word rendezvous, in the mind of a geezer at least, is interpreted as a fantasy of having a threesome including his wife's sister. And you thought you grandparents weren't active anymore?! Well, guess what...if they're driving the Buick Rendezvous you could pretty much be assured that they are also swinging at sex parties in the Midwest.
Through industry contacts in Detroit, I've come up with a decoded list of names for different automobile manufacturer's vehicles that I would like to share with you...
Dodge Caravan: This is an easy interpretation ... it's a car and a van. Thus caravan.
Chevy Suburban: As large as a strip mall found in suburbia.
Ford Escort: Any guy driving this vehicle has no chance with scoring chicks, thus he will have to employ the assistance of hookers.
Oldsmobile Bravada: Means two different things to men and women. To a man, it conjures up the image of machoism or bravado. To a women, a new Victoria's' Secret contraption that will add lift to the chest region.
Volkswagen Jetta: You may remember that this German car maker has often been linked to building the gas chambers for the Nazi's in World War Two. Thus the word Jetta is actually an anachronism which means Jews Exterminated Through Tyrannical Aryans.
Dodge Neon: A car built so small that your knee will be on the steering wheel.
Oldsmobile Achieva: A personal favorite name. I actually can't interpret this one, but coincidentally it is the sound that my son made last night whilst puking in bed...aaaah-cheeee-vaaaa!
Kia Sophia: Another one that I'm uncertain about, but if you say it ten times quickly, it reminds you of a piece of Swedish furniture that you picked up at Ikea at exit 13A on the Jersey Turnpike.
I've got a bunch more but I won't waste your valuable email reading time up. So perhaps for a future mailing you could send me your favorite names and I shall due my best to give you the R&D report of what is the interpretation. But in the meantime...